This reflex lives in me
it crowds me out when I try to speak–
brute words erupt
only they’re seldom what I mean

I promise thoughts are swimming,
always, always through my head
in a water tower without the ladder
so they sink to the bottom instead

up floats disgust, I get so embarrassed
I give up, I cannot kick,
I cannot breathe, I can’t make words
I can’t tell you,
I don’t know myself

’til it’s too late and the moment has passed
and I just said, “ew”
and hoped you could see
through my porthole eyes
this entire aquarium
complex and alive


I never believed in soulmates
until I got drunk at a wedding
and did what comes to us freely
despite how often we try to stop–

you were 2,500 miles away
you weren’t my man
you weren’t even my friend
but yours was the voice I wanted
most to hear

and you told me you had a secret
something you figured out
about soulmates–
you said you believe they exist
and you said that I was yours

well I thought you were crazy,
I laughed and told my old man
such a funny joke–
you were always playing,
always raving at the moon

but it didn’t leave me,
that planted seed just slept
in a crevice of my worn heart
and I should’ve remembered
your knack for watering seeds

I guess he could blame you for that
but I never will– I pushed so hard
against that truth, I didn’t want
to believe you were right
but maybe you were

so many things I know
still I never understood at all
what they meant in songs
when they sang about love
when they said it was peaceful

but maybe you were right,
whatever that means–
maybe all this time they were
talking about the way
you and I have always been

maybe getting drunk at a wedding
was the best thing I ever did
because what comes to me freely
always leads me back to you