Breaking: Woman Walking Downtown Actually Cat-called By Group of Men

Reporters here at CharNN were shocked to learn of a cat-calling incident in downtown Orlando last night. A local woman, Shawna, 22, tells us she was walking alone from a parking garage to a bar to meet friends when this unfortunate tragedy occurred.

“I didn’t see any sports matches going on nearby, so I couldn’t figure out the reason for the shouting. I looked around to see if maybe these men were warning me about some imminent danger, but nothing.”

What happened next may be unsuitable for those with weak constitutions.

“I began to decipher the shouting and was just appalled. They were yelling things like ‘You look attractive tonight!’ and ‘I’d like to buy you dinner sometime!’ I was mortified.”

One daring man even went so far as to attempt to strike up a conversation.

“I was waiting at the crosswalk when this man asked me for directions to a certain restaurant. I told him quickly but then he made a comment about the weather and asked me where I was headed tonight. Who does that?”

Thanks to those unscrupulous creeps, one young woman’s night was ruined.

“I just figured our society was over that behavior by now. I didn’t think horrible things like this still occurred.”

Neither did we, Shawna. Neither did we.

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Breaking: Couple Gets Green Light to be Surgically Conjoined

Hun and Bae Jenkins have long stopped using their real names, opting to be known only by their pet names for each other. The pair have grown virtually inseparable over the course of their relationship, so much so that they share the same friends, hobbies, workplace, and even clothes. Now they want to take it a step further, and doctors have given them the ok.

“We want to cement our love in a lasting show of commitment,” says Hun. “We thought about getting matching tattoos or having a child, but those seemed too mundane. We want something radical.”

The couple has decided to undergo a procedure which will surgically conjoin them together, rendering each incapable of living without the other. Although this is obviously the case already, they want to make it public and permanent.

But the couple is not immune to societal pressures, says Bae.

“We asked our friends on our joint Facebook account for their opinions, but the responses we got were overwhelmingly negative. I think some of them are secretly jealous, but that’s okay. Not everyone can have a love as deep as ours.”

The decision is currently drawing fire from those who think it’s premature, however. Those who oppose include their families, friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets, childhood acquaintances, and the mailman.

“I don’t understand why they can’t just get married like normal people,” said Hun’s mother. “Isn’t that enough of a prison sentence already without being glued together?”

Well aware that they will continue to be faced with this same kind of discrimination, Hun and Bae are ignoring the negativity and moving forward with the procedure. They are certain their relationship will stand the test of time.

“We don’t need phony labels like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ to prove how we feel about each other,” responds Hun. “We just want to make it physically impossible for us to separate.”

“We’ve been together for over 13 months already,” adds Bae. “We like the same things and we haven’t fought once. We’re pretty sure it’s gonna last,” they assured us.

We here at CharNN wish them the best, while several reconstructive surgeons and divorce attorneys have offered their services when the inevitable occurs.

Breaking: Volunteering Voted “Biggest Waste of Time” by American Youth

A new survey of young Americans aged 18-30 shows that the act of volunteering is largely viewed as a huge waste of time. Participants were asked to rank common activities from most to least worthwhile, with volunteering earning the overall bottom spot.

“You just don’t get anything out of it, y’know?” responded one young man. “Like, what’s the point of doing something for no reason?”

A young woman agreed: “I know you’re supposed to get this warm, fuzzy feeling out of it, but I’ve got stuff to do and bills to pay. I don’t go to work to get paid in warm, fuzzy feelings. I don’t spend time with my grandma just for the warm, fuzzy feelings.”

It seems that even completing the survey was too daunting an act of charity, since participants had to be bribed with energy drinks and Steam points.

“Life is precious and we only get a certain amount of time to be alive. I want to make sure I’m prioritizing my time by not doing anything that doesn’t benefit me. I want to make sure I die happy,” said another young woman.

So if volunteering is at the bottom of the list of priorities, what’s on top? Researchers revealed that activities such as “binge-watching Orange is the New Black,” “shopping for hand-carved gauges on Etsy,” and “replaying through Ocarina of Time again” scored high on the list.

Breaking: Woman Turns Down Marriage Proposal Because She’s a Freaking Biotch and Was Probably Cheating Anyway

We’ve received a report today from a distraught young man who tells us that his marriage proposal to his girlfriend has been rejected. The pair had been together for over two years and Tyler Sturgess, 27, says that her dismissal was completely out of the blue.

“Everything was going great- no red flags,” he told us. “I mean, things were rocky when I lost my job about a year ago, but I’ve been doing freelance DJ gigs and working on my Linkedin portfolio a lot. She was totally supportive! It’s not like I forced her to get two jobs, and I said I’d help with the laundry and stuff whenever hockey wasn’t on, but she kept saying not to bother.”

Tyler insists that his proposal was everything any woman ever dreamed of: a moment of romance, passion, and tears, ending with a huge rock placed on her finger.

“I had just bowled a 250, my best game ever, when I looked over at my lady doing taxes or something. She’s so pretty when she’s stressed out. And I was just full of love and I said, ‘Babe, let’s do it’ and I gave her the purple ring pop I won out of the claw machine.”

But apparently such a touching gesture wasn’t enough for Miss Hoity-Toity, who declined to comment on the matter. We didn’t really want to talk to her anyway, because Tyler says she was probably cheating on him.

“She was at work like 60 hours a week, who knows what she could’ve been doing. All I know is, any woman that could just reject a marriage proposal for no good reason and break my heart like that must’ve been up to no good.”

What a freaking biotch.

But I’m Not That Funny (And the Reason I Don’t Care Anymore)

I’m sure by now you’ve noticed that I’ve made the switch from poetry to humorous satire pieces. I’m havin’ a ball, y’all. Satire has been near and dear to me since I was a freckled youth embarrassing my mom at the grocery store, walking straight into other peoples’ shopping carts while reading Pride & Prejudice. I was the one weirdo in the back of my high school English class trying to hold in snickers and snorts because “COME ON GUYS, Catch-22 is uproarious and why isn’t anyone else appreciating this fact?” I’ve made a few half-hearted attempts to write my own satire but it always ended up on the back-burner because I’m just not that funny.

Fast-forward to last week: I’m a fabulous, classy lady performing my work at a coffee shop poetry reading (pff, the second half of that is true.) I’ve already been struggling and fussing with poetry in general because I’m just not sure I love it anymore. I don’t read publicly often but I’m there hanging with some friends already and I have a copy of Candy Pizza buried in the trunk of my car somewhere so I’m pretty much well-prepared.

Now, normally when I read I get a pretty average response- an attentive audience, polite claps, a couple people coming over to fist-bump me afterwards- but tonight I tell them I’m reading from my own book and, before I’ve even read one poem, the host offers me a feature spot at a future show. (Apparently a feature is when you get to hog up the stage for a night while you try to get people to buy your book.) The mood is different when I read, like people are listening harder, clapping longer, and I think even the old dude in the back is finally chewing with his mouth closed.

And I think to myself, “Here I am. I’ve arrived at poetry. And it’s because I published a book and they think that means I’m better than I normally am. And if I take that feature spot I’ll be IN with the poetry people and I’ll have to shake all their hands and recite the lyrics to “My Sharona” onstage in a Shakespearean accent for irony and giggles and say things like, ‘Don’t forget to tip your baristas!’ and I know I can’t do that because none of these people know that Poetry and I have been in the pre-breakup fighting stage for quite a while now and I just can’t make this my thing.”

That’s when I knew I was done with poetry. At least for now.

The thing is, I don’t trust a lot of people, but I trust me. I trust that if I feel done with poetry, no amount of forcing it is ever going to help. I trust that I’ll never let myself become so wrapped up in the parade of “being a writer” that I no longer write things I love. I trust that I’ll come back around to poetry sooner or later, when it feels right. And I trust that I actually am that funny.

It really doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks so, because I do. I crack myself up every day. The last couple of pieces I’ve written have had me giggling like some kind of devious lunatic and I love that. And the intent of satire is the exact same thing as what I’ve been doing with poetry or short fiction: to point out stuff about life and make people think about it. It’s just easier (and more fun, honestly) to reach people through humor rather than through their cheesy, rhyme-y, melancholy heartstrings.

I consider it a sign of a healthy mind to never be satisfied in any one area for too long. I’ll probably never be fully satisfied with anything, but I’ll be writing some great stuff along the way. (And by the looks of your comments and ‘likes’, I don’t think my lovely readers will mind the change too much.)

Stick around, loves, it’s gonna be good.

Char

Breaking: Woman Surprised to Find OkCupid Date Interesting

A young woman in Central Florida is ecstatic to report that for the first time, one of her OkCupid dates turned out to be interesting. Ashley, 23, has been using the dating site for a few months, but until now the results have been meager.

“It’s usually just been guys wanting to talk about books and movies and stuff,” she says. “A couple of the really boring ones were into stuff like philosophy, life goals, and social issues, but like, ew.”

Not so with her most recent date, Sean, 25.

“Sean was like hay in a haystack, or whatever that phrase is. He was really different and soo interesting! He talked about CrossFit for like an hour, and even showed me his special weightlifting shoes.”

Other topics of conversation reportedly included Sean’s childhood dog, Sean’s favorite kind of cereal, the origin of the scar on Sean’s knee, and how cool it would be to be abducted by aliens.

“I mean, I couldn’t really chime in on any of that stuff, but just listening to him talk was fascinating. Plus he totally didn’t mind that I was playing Tetris on my phone throughout dinner. Win!”

When contacted for comment, Sean told reporters a story about the time he discovered that he actually does like Korean food. When pressed again for comment about Ashley, he assured us that she’s “totally chill.”

Looks like love wins again, folks.

Breaking: Woman Wastes Time at Gym, Discovers She’s Already Hot

Reports are flooding in about a 25 year-old woman sighted at a local gym. Witnesses attest to watching her perform multiple sets of lunges, rows, curls, and push-ups in an attempt to, as one witness puts it, “get hot.” But the startling twist seems to be that the woman was already attractive, leaving other gym patrons perplexed.

“She spent like an hour on the treadmill this morning,” claims one bystander. “I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing that if I looked like her.”

Several other witnesses marveled at her useless dedication, citing alternative activities that she definitely could’ve been doing instead, including binge-watching Netflix, banging a bunch of guys, and eating “a crap-ton of pizza.”

When the woman herself was asked to comment she appeared to be shocked.

“Wait, what? I’m hot already? Damnit, why didn’t anybody tell me?”

She then threw her gym bag into a nearby trashcan and left, muttering something about cheesecake.