Day 82 – Salad Cake

I thought they were pretending
on their play-doh mats
how to make such a
clearly-imagined
monstrosity,
a salad cake

until one of them told me
her mom was on a diet
and the ranch-filled
nightmare
follows me
still

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Day 10 – Little Friends

It’s been a very hard day,
little friends

but just like every other
it ends

with a hug and a smile;
love never depends

on a day going just
as a teacher intends.

Breaking: Motherhood is 100% More Fulfilling Than Anything You’ll Ever Do

According to a recent survey of pretty much every Mom ever, squeezing a small human out of your nether regions is equally the most burdensome and the most rewarding thing any female can do. While the hardships of birth and child-raising are enough to guarantee pity and guilty faux-respect from bystanders for a lifetime, the enlightenment of the experience ensures that moms get to hold it over their heads for just as long.

“It’s almost as if God himself came down and blessed my uterus with my own special little angel, and while he was at it he granted me all this insight and wisdom that non-moms just can’t understand,” said one chronic procreator. “I’m pretty much a sacred vessel of the future.”

This mom-specific wisdom has been the subject of much controversy among those selfish non-moms who obviously don’t care that there will be no one around to take care of them when they’re old.

“I don’t believe becoming a mother inherently endows someone with extra knowledge or experience that couldn’t be gained elsewhere, such as in professions which work closely with other people’s children,” said one bitter old shrew, Alexa Green. “Fulfillment can be gained from caring for children regardless of biology, such as in the case of adoption, as well as numerous other childcare occupations.”

But Alexa’s just a teacher, so what the hell does she know? At age 39 with no children of her own, she’s probably bitter that no one wanted to procreate with her, or that she chose an occupation which left her too poor to support a family. Even though she states that her “childfree” life was a choice, we know all it’ll take is the right man to come along and change her mind.

As for those women who have yet to experience the sheer miracle that is motherhood, we’re assured that it’s everything anyone has ever dreamed of and more, and it’s definitely right for you, despite what you may believe. Even this CharNN reporter now understands that she was a fool to ever believe in a socially-evolved society wherein women could aspire to anything greater.

Year 2: Day 131 – Get Thee To Bed, Chicken-head

You’re not listening.
Your mother has asked you repeatedly
to put your socks back on,
to no avail.

It is inherently implied that to sleep
you must do so in the bed
and not under it,
but at this point we would
turn a blind eye
should you finally nod off
down there.

But you seem to be unable
to control the flailing of your limbs,
which I must say greatly hinders
any chance of dozing off.

I have tried to reason with you
but will soon be obliged
to apply force.
Your mother will look away
as I administer what, to you,
will surely be most offensive
but which may deter
this behavior
in future instances.

However, I am not young
as I used to be,
and crouching to pull you
from under the bed, I fear,
will put me in a most unpleasant mood,
such that I may misapply my vigor
and cause you to witness
the fury of one provoked
heretofore not unleashed
on you.

So get thee to bed,
my chicken-head
so that your father may remain
in possession of his wits
and his loving kindness, too.

Year 2: Day 110 – The Fourth Grade Class

Love is in the air for the fourth grade class,
though it’s always in the air for grown-ups,
and it’s permeating something fierce
for single teachers.

It’s permeating something fierce
for single teachers who must be
set up with firemen, lawyers,
lumberjacks, cowboys,
and football players.

Lumberjacks, cowboys, and football players,
if single, don’t get this much guff, I bet,
because love is only so simple
in the fourth grade class.

Love is only so simple in the fourth grade class
’cause it gets pretty sticky from there-
you have people with baggage and hang-ups
and teachers who insist they won’t be
set up.

Teachers who insist they won’t be set up
don’t make sense in the playground logic world
because clearly the fun of life is in love
is in the air for the fourth grade class.

Year 2: Day 103 – Breakfast Faith

I’m never sure if there’s any cereal left in the box
but I get out a bowl and pour it anyway-
there’s enough doubt in this world
without ruining breakfast.
If I’m out, I’m out,
and I know how to get more.

The same is true for many things;
it takes faith to ride elevators
and faith to drive
and faith to raise children
and faith to write.

I’m never sure if there are any words left in my fingers
but I sit at the keyboard and pour them anyway-
there’s enough doubt in this world
without keeping silent.
If I’m out, I’m out,
and I know how to get more.

Year 2: Day 89 – Shoelaces

I may be good at spelling
or teaching math
or making plans
but what I’m really best at doing
is tying shoelaces.

What do twenty forlorn faces want
with my knowledge of homonyms,
presidents, and bacteria,
at recess when their laces
come undone?

Who is more a hero
in the middle of a game of tag
than the only one in the bunch
who can solve the threat
of trips and scrapes?

My nimble hands and bended knee
are wasted in the grown-up world-
I’m never more useful or more valued
than when stooping low
to tie a child’s shoes.