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My ducklings have gone away today I
will not see them again they have
to grow, I have to rest that’s
how it works, that’s how it ends
but I have given
so much
of myself
now I’m not sure
how much is left
except now I know
how much room
there really is now I can
measure the space
they left and
it is bigger than I was
at the start
Grey hours love me
like dead flowers
untragic reminders
of function and purpose
They are my estate,
my inevitable sickness
and cure;
they are children I bear
They sit and watch,
attached to ceilings and walls,
they whisper
or sometimes they sing
indecipherable words I
wish I could play;
try to teach me things
I wish I could learn
All I’ve learned
is that these things
do happen
There’s nothing
but to wait
Grey hours love me
like dead flowers
forgotten ’til the
next bouquet
Dorothy landed and was dizzy and I
refused to help I finally took
a bus to Atlanta and realized
why not
I was not so great and powerful I
was small and very frightened but
I wished with all
my heart
I wanted to help but I
have no
pow
er
s
I walked along the dogwood trees in bloom she
would’ve loved them I knew my
jig was up she had to go I had
to let her go
she wouldn’t find those
dogwood trees
if she stayed with me
she found Glinda
Glinda has magic
but if Glinda goes I
hope she knows
she never needed magic never
needed anybody never needed
me at all
wish I could help
I always
wished I
could
I forgot to put on sunscreen for the funeral. I didn’t even change out my sneakers for the heels I had packed the night before, so worried about being respectful. I thought those things would matter but death has a way of mocking the little formalities we observe. The dead don’t care what you’re wearing.
But you would’ve reminded me about the sunscreen. The two of us, forever indoors and longing for the beach, our weekends filled with texting screenshots of art projects and Amazon purchases, were so looking forward to the summer we’ve earned. You took your vitamins and your Claritin and paid extra for the UV protection in your sunglasses. I skid in daily on four hours of sleep and haven’t eaten a real vegetable in weeks. Something in the great cosmic milieu tells me there’s something unfair in you being the one who had to go, and me being the one who got to stay. I can’t even remember to put on sunscreen.
Your funeral was filled with the sort of people who would not, and did not, care if I showed up in sneakers. They did not mind that I obviously have the self-preservation instincts of a small child, as evidenced by my beet-red arrival to the memorial. They didn’t judge because you didn’t judge.
You were so well-loved by everyone. It took me by surprise how much I had come to love you, not because of who you are but because of who I am. It may be self-centered to think about it, but I’m not sure I could scrounge up more than a handful of people if my funeral was tomorrow. I burn too many bridges. But you never did; even those who managed to offend you were treated with your signature grace. You left this world with no enemies, and you left it far better than you found it.
So perhaps, in the great cosmic milieu, there’s something fair after all about you being the one who earned that endless summer vacation, and me being the one who has to keep struggling on without you. Where you are you don’t need sunscreen; I’ll try to remember mine from now on.
I never feel love quite more
than when I come home to find
the cereal I bought for you yesterday
opened
your bowl and spoon in the sink
and you gone
out into the world
with a full happy belly.
Honey I never knew
you were
this big of a fool-
you see,
it isn’t smart to let
somebody else
be in charge
of your livery
Honey I never knew
you were
this big of a fool-
you see,
it isn’t wise to let
your guard be down
around someone
like me
Honey I never knew
you were
this big of a fool
for me-
but now that I know
let’s give it a go-
all kinds of
tomfoolery.
I cannot apologize for my childhood,
for I wasn’t always there.
In all these hundreds of days
I’ve never gone back.
The way we learn to be
is not
the way we’d ever choose
and so
I was
a wrecked flower
from the start.
I cannot apologize for the pathways
stealthily formed
in fragile matter
or the horrors I kept in
by spreading out
I only know for sure
that
the way we try to love
is not
a thing we can control
and so,
fruitfully or not,
I tried.
