Day 99 – Smash Tea Kettle

You had that
smash tea kettle
you were
always breaking pieces off
and handing them to me

I strung them together
those pieces
I wore your
smash tea kettle pieces
round my neck

I loved it more
than any diamond
ever saw

I kept a piece
of your smash tea kettle
in my heart
it was the sharpness
that finally

cut me loose

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Thoughts On Spaghetti

Spaghetti is, in essence, the poor man’s hallelujah. It’s the Helm’s Deep of “Don’t tell me how to feed my family, Gwyneth Paltrow.” Yes it is cultured, don’t let anybody tell you it’s not. When your sweetie makes you some spaghetti for dinner, especially during those times when it’s dear, make sure to share some with the dog. When you’re standing in the grocery store aisle thinking, “God why does a thing of parmesan cheese cost so much more than I have?” remember that there is some fancy word for what you’re about to make for your kids, in your last-ditch strength as a parent before you fall dead asleep exhausted, and some ridiculous aristocrat is ordering whatever it’s called. Who cares if they get the parmesan and plus like truffles or something. Nobody has won anything over on you yet. When you scuffle your way into a train car on the check from Grandma’s birthday card, pick your eyes up and notice the people walking or laying on the sidewalk. And hey, when you’re maybe a big-shot one day and they say, “Congrats, Ferguson, let’s go out and celebrate” you better the hell not wince when AJ says he has to get home to his wife who’s pregnant and craving spaghetti. Don’t you be the one that spoils everything with truffles. Spaghetti is the poor man’s hallelujah and nobody asked you to rise above it.

Many Practical Purposes for a Love Letter

Anabelle,

You’re golden. We’re golden. I love you.

Tom

 

There was never anything wrong with that letter. Nicholas Sparks could’ve had a field day with those little words, I’m sure, because Tom wrote me that letter every day of our lives. Tom has been writing me that letter since the day I was born. Sometimes it came with a $5 bill folded inside and an extra line about “can you pick me up some cigarettes on your way home” and sometimes there were doodles or quick multiplication problems on the side and one time he couldn’t find a pen and so he used his finger and chocolate pudding. But those words were every day and inherently, in the grand scheme of everything, there was never anything wrong with them.

There’s still nothing wrong with them, although I don’t wish I could have them back. These days I don’t get any letters but I’m working on a really good one- just one, one that I would’ve traded all the other ones for if I had known that it could exist. Because there are many practical purposes for a love letter, and only one of them has to do with the person who wrote it. Whatever anybody tells you, it’s about what you want to hear anyway.

I know about your nightmares. I know that whenever a man sleeps next to you, you dream that he lets you get murdered. I know about when you come home and empty your pockets and you think your life is just a chapstick and a crumpled dollar bill. I know about fighting that last-leg shaky treadmill, about how your goal was 20 minutes but you celebrate 12 because 5 used to seem so far away. I know the exact day you realized the sweat dripping down into your mouth tastes the same as tears, and how often you remind yourself to riot. I know you know there was never anything wrong with Tom’s letters. I know you wish there was. 

You did not have to tell me these things. You couldn’t. But I know them in back-of-your-eyeballs ways that nobody could put in a letter. There was never anything wrong with Tom. But you can write your own letters now.

Anabelle

Breaking: Motherhood is 100% More Fulfilling Than Anything You’ll Ever Do

According to a recent survey of pretty much every Mom ever, squeezing a small human out of your nether regions is equally the most burdensome and the most rewarding thing any female can do. While the hardships of birth and child-raising are enough to guarantee pity and guilty faux-respect from bystanders for a lifetime, the enlightenment of the experience ensures that moms get to hold it over their heads for just as long.

“It’s almost as if God himself came down and blessed my uterus with my own special little angel, and while he was at it he granted me all this insight and wisdom that non-moms just can’t understand,” said one chronic procreator. “I’m pretty much a sacred vessel of the future.”

This mom-specific wisdom has been the subject of much controversy among those selfish non-moms who obviously don’t care that there will be no one around to take care of them when they’re old.

“I don’t believe becoming a mother inherently endows someone with extra knowledge or experience that couldn’t be gained elsewhere, such as in professions which work closely with other people’s children,” said one bitter old shrew, Alexa Green. “Fulfillment can be gained from caring for children regardless of biology, such as in the case of adoption, as well as numerous other childcare occupations.”

But Alexa’s just a teacher, so what the hell does she know? At age 39 with no children of her own, she’s probably bitter that no one wanted to procreate with her, or that she chose an occupation which left her too poor to support a family. Even though she states that her “childfree” life was a choice, we know all it’ll take is the right man to come along and change her mind.

As for those women who have yet to experience the sheer miracle that is motherhood, we’re assured that it’s everything anyone has ever dreamed of and more, and it’s definitely right for you, despite what you may believe. Even this CharNN reporter now understands that she was a fool to ever believe in a socially-evolved society wherein women could aspire to anything greater.

Breaking: Woman Walking Downtown Actually Cat-called By Group of Men

Reporters here at CharNN were shocked to learn of a cat-calling incident in downtown Orlando last night. A local woman, Shawna, 22, tells us she was walking alone from a parking garage to a bar to meet friends when this unfortunate tragedy occurred.

“I didn’t see any sports matches going on nearby, so I couldn’t figure out the reason for the shouting. I looked around to see if maybe these men were warning me about some imminent danger, but nothing.”

What happened next may be unsuitable for those with weak constitutions.

“I began to decipher the shouting and was just appalled. They were yelling things like ‘You look attractive tonight!’ and ‘I’d like to buy you dinner sometime!’ I was mortified.”

One daring man even went so far as to attempt to strike up a conversation.

“I was waiting at the crosswalk when this man asked me for directions to a certain restaurant. I told him quickly but then he made a comment about the weather and asked me where I was headed tonight. Who does that?”

Thanks to those unscrupulous creeps, one young woman’s night was ruined.

“I just figured our society was over that behavior by now. I didn’t think horrible things like this still occurred.”

Neither did we, Shawna. Neither did we.

Breaking: Couple Gets Green Light to be Surgically Conjoined

Hun and Bae Jenkins have long stopped using their real names, opting to be known only by their pet names for each other. The pair have grown virtually inseparable over the course of their relationship, so much so that they share the same friends, hobbies, workplace, and even clothes. Now they want to take it a step further, and doctors have given them the ok.

“We want to cement our love in a lasting show of commitment,” says Hun. “We thought about getting matching tattoos or having a child, but those seemed too mundane. We want something radical.”

The couple has decided to undergo a procedure which will surgically conjoin them together, rendering each incapable of living without the other. Although this is obviously the case already, they want to make it public and permanent.

But the couple is not immune to societal pressures, says Bae.

“We asked our friends on our joint Facebook account for their opinions, but the responses we got were overwhelmingly negative. I think some of them are secretly jealous, but that’s okay. Not everyone can have a love as deep as ours.”

The decision is currently drawing fire from those who think it’s premature, however. Those who oppose include their families, friends, neighbors, coworkers, pets, childhood acquaintances, and the mailman.

“I don’t understand why they can’t just get married like normal people,” said Hun’s mother. “Isn’t that enough of a prison sentence already without being glued together?”

Well aware that they will continue to be faced with this same kind of discrimination, Hun and Bae are ignoring the negativity and moving forward with the procedure. They are certain their relationship will stand the test of time.

“We don’t need phony labels like ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ to prove how we feel about each other,” responds Hun. “We just want to make it physically impossible for us to separate.”

“We’ve been together for over 13 months already,” adds Bae. “We like the same things and we haven’t fought once. We’re pretty sure it’s gonna last,” they assured us.

We here at CharNN wish them the best, while several reconstructive surgeons and divorce attorneys have offered their services when the inevitable occurs.

Breaking: Volunteering Voted “Biggest Waste of Time” by American Youth

A new survey of young Americans aged 18-30 shows that the act of volunteering is largely viewed as a huge waste of time. Participants were asked to rank common activities from most to least worthwhile, with volunteering earning the overall bottom spot.

“You just don’t get anything out of it, y’know?” responded one young man. “Like, what’s the point of doing something for no reason?”

A young woman agreed: “I know you’re supposed to get this warm, fuzzy feeling out of it, but I’ve got stuff to do and bills to pay. I don’t go to work to get paid in warm, fuzzy feelings. I don’t spend time with my grandma just for the warm, fuzzy feelings.”

It seems that even completing the survey was too daunting an act of charity, since participants had to be bribed with energy drinks and Steam points.

“Life is precious and we only get a certain amount of time to be alive. I want to make sure I’m prioritizing my time by not doing anything that doesn’t benefit me. I want to make sure I die happy,” said another young woman.

So if volunteering is at the bottom of the list of priorities, what’s on top? Researchers revealed that activities such as “binge-watching Orange is the New Black,” “shopping for hand-carved gauges on Etsy,” and “replaying through Ocarina of Time again” scored high on the list.